Everyone has hopes and dreams. We need them to keep us sane in a world of harsh realties and constant pressure to perform by keeping our noses to the grindstone. We listen to success gurus in the hope that they will give us a magic formula or, at least, boost our confidence to take that big step.

We’re asking for trouble, however, if we believe we can have it all by just making up our minds. Success gurus who tell us this are really only right about themselves. Because they achieved great success easily, they think that everyone else should be able to repeat their achievements. The truth is that everyone can do some things that are difficult for others. Unfortunately, the things we’re good at we regard as easy, so much so that we can’t understand why others can’t do them.

If you think of all the work, sports or personal activities that you really enjoy doing and are good at, you probably don’t see the skills involved in doing them as real strengths because you see these things as simply too easy to do. They come naturally to you. Can’t think of anything you are good at that others can’t do? What about tying your shoes? Young children can’t do that. What about finding your way somewhere new without getting lost, using a computer or doing a crossword puzzle? There are countless such things that are so easy for you to do that you can’t understand why everyone can’t do them with equal ease.

A relevant pop-psychology book from the 1980’s is If I’m So Successful, Why Do I Feel Like A Fake, subtitled The Imposter Syndrome, by Judith Bardwick. The core message of this book is that some very successful people feel like fakes because they don’t think they deserve their success and they live in fear of being found out. The real problem for them is that they feel that their success came too easily. Instead of recognizing their strengths, they feel like imposters.

We all share an important trait with success gurus and people who feel like imposters: anything we are good at seems so easy to do that we think others should have no trouble following our example. This is a myth, a biased self-perception. The truth is that people differ enormously on countless traits and abilities such as motivation, confidence, resilience, anxiety, self-discipline, talent, skill, intelligence, energy, attitude and optimism, to name only a few.

So, how can you hang onto your aspirations living in a fantasy world where you think you should be able to do anything you put your mind to? There is no doubt that you won’t achieve great things without pushing yourself and taking risks. But you should do a reality check from time to time. Ask your friends to help you make a list of the personal qualities and other conditions (i.e. finances) needed to achieve your dreams. Then ask them to rate you on a 10 point scale on each of the success criteria to see how realistic you’re being. Make sure to thank your friends for the feedback they give you or they won’t give you any more. If you think they’re wrong, get some expert advice or at least some other opinions.

Success gurus who make it sound easy to get whatever you want are not deliberately deceiving you. They’re simply making a mistake in thinking that what was easy for them should be easy for everyone. Their hype is seriously damaging to your chances for happiness because they’re encouraging you to feel dissatisfied with your present state and to feel that you can change it with relative ease. As a result you hate your present and lose what little confidence you ever h

Try reminding yourself regularly to avoid living in the future so much that you fail to be happy in the present. If you let yourself feel that you can only be happy when you achieve whatever, then you risk never being happy.

Another myth spread by success gurus is that the keys to success lie within ourselves. We are told to find BELIEF by looking hard inside ourselves. The truth is that success is found outside ourselves, by networking, talking to people and keeping an eye open for that right opportunity. It’s a process of external, not internal, discovery. If you rely only on soul searching or introspection, you will find it hard to shed your self doubt and you will be no further ahead in deciding what to do. It’s like house hunting. You may start with only a vague idea of what you want in a new house, but once you look at several you discover things you like in a house that you hadn’t thought of before. This sort of discovery can only be made by searching in your environment. It can’t be reached by looking inside yourself. Finally, external activity is more conducive to building confidence than any amount of pumping yourself up in a vacuum.