If the Internet is better than sliced bread, meeting people online is sliced bread with butter and marmalade. It’s convenient, time-saving, levels the play field for introverts (actually it gives them the edge), lets you avoid the bar scene, extends your reach, and it works.  I coach women looking for partners, I’ve used Internet dating sites successfully myself, and I research constantly to see which way the wind is blowing.

The wind is approaching hurricane force and it’s headed right toward your part of the world.  There are more men looking online than women, as opposed to real life; there are more people joining all the time as the word gets out; and there are more people finding suitable partners through this vehicle.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Know what kind of relationship you’re looking for.

Some of the sites will give you a chance to specify, and all will give you a chance to talk later, if not sooner,  Most feature the infamous “dating profile.”  Since the Internet offers plenty of avenues for porn, most people on the legitimate dating sites are looking for relationships.  Specify.  Long-term commitment, marriage a possibility, companionship and maybe more, and “I don’t know” and “Let’s see what happens,” are all legitimate responses.

2. Be honest. 

If you’re not, you’re wasting your own time most of all, because you’ll be found out.  You’re also spreading bad karma.  Supposedly over 50% of people online lie about their age 5 years in either direction.  If you have a problem with your age, income, appearance, education, etc., fix them, or fix your head.  It’s relative, so focus on what you consider your good points.  You can count on the fact that whatever you have to offer, someone is looking for. 

3. Avoid signs of desperation. 

The dream date, of course, would come on like James Bond, cool, confident, suave and sophisticated, with an air of mystery.  Desperate people move too fast, say too much, and ask for too little.  A man who’s “any” for all categories – age, income, ethnic background, religion, children, etc. isn’t looking for a partner, he’s looking for a warm body.  Pace your interactions – one or two emails a day, 10-15 min. IM sessions.  Keep yourself under control.  “Spilling” isn’t attractive.  No need to write your life story the first time.  That’s a turnoff. Keep it light.  Save something for next time. 

4. Let someone else deal with the walking wounded. 

If she starts off talking about her traumatic past experiences, or specifies things like “No addicts, no liars, no wife-beaters, no bankruptcy, no adulterers, no borderlines, no hate-mongers,” etc., she’s showing you she’s not ready to date.  I have compassion for these folks; so do you.  Most of them will be fine with time and maybe you were there after your divorce or breakup.  But I get paid to coach them to a better place, while you’re looking for a viable date right now, and a person with that kind of baggage has no business being in a relationship.  

5. Be selective.

A writer on one male advice website claims his great profile got him 56 female respondents last month.  Men lie in the area of their prowess, but however many responses you get, be selective.  You don’t have to answer them all.  If they’re really interested in you and not desperate, they will wait.  Don’t have so many going at one time that you confuse the people, because you’ll confuse yourself.  If the person you’re corresponding with gets your details mixed up, move on, unless you want to be just another pretty email in the inbox.   

6. Give careful consideration to the area of sexual talk. 

Everyone recommends the other sex bring it up first.  It doesn’t matter as long as it’s done tastefully.

7. Who initiates? 

It doesn’t matter who “winks” or writes first, suggests the phone call, or asks for the date, because you’ll find your personality type and there’s a pot for every lid.  There are cultural variations as well.  As a general rule of a thumb, if you’re a woman over 30 who’s looking for marriage, make the man do all the work, including all overtures and plans.  If, because of that, he considers you “too high maintenance,” you have a clear indication he wouldn’t make a good marriage partner.

8. Rely on your intuition. 

Use your emotional intelligence!  If it’s too good to be true, it is.  One sign of an ambivalent dater (which you do NOT want) is someone who comes on too strong at the beginning.  If something gives you the creeps, get away. 
If for any reason you don’t feel comfortable giving personal information like your home email or street address, don’t do it.  Better safe than sorry, and there’s no need to rush.

9. Your profile matters. 

Get some professional help and feedback from a friend or two. Read the profiles of people of your same sex so you can see what the competition’s doing.

10. Your photograph matters more. 

Any professional photographer can help you out.    It’s worth it.  Nobody looks like their photograph, but you don’t want to eliminate people because you have such a bad one. 

11. Do us all a favor and don’t ask “Why is SHE/HE looking online?” 

You are, aren’t you?  Maybe you live in a remote location, or don’t have time to run around at night, or prefer a slow introduction, or want to shop nationally.  There are some super neat people looking online including me, my clients, my sister, my last boyfriend, and … you!
 
Have fun, and good luck!

Susan Dunn

Susan Dunn MA The EQ Coach http://www.susandunn.cc>susandunn. Coaching Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional development. Retirement midlife career midlife dating and relationship coaching. EQ coach training and certification. Email for info on fast affordable no-residency required program. Email for free ezines. mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc

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