Make no mistake, married men who are fooling around can be wonderfully attentive and romantic. He can be emailing you and calling you on his cell all day long, filling your hungry heart with affirmations you never dreamed of, showering you with gifts, and making rapturous love to you. It can be the stuff of which fantasies are made and here’s why: to him it IS a fantasy.
So how can you tell you're having an affair with a married man?

1. You’re suspicious

If you generically suspect every man you meet of this, it’s a prejudice and not worth much. However, if you suddenly get suspicious about the individual man you’re dealing with, then trust your instincts. Where there’s smoke there’s fire.

2. His tone of voice gets guarded or he won’t make eye contact and is evasive when certain topics come up like family, children, vacations, where he lives, etc.

3. He insists that all contact be on his terms only

He gives some reason why you must only call him at work or on his cell. You ask for his home phone number and he refuses to give it to you. Disregard the “reason.” They can be ingenious about this and if you’re love-daffy, you’ll find a way to rationalize his particular excuse. Don’t.

4. It's the best sex you've ever had

Nothing stokes a man's fire like forbidden love unless it's forbidden love with no threat of the "c" word.

5. His heart’s not on the line

You sense an imbalance of vulnerability. When two available people are dating, both are anxious for it to work out, and equally at-risk. When you’re playing for keeps and he’s just playing, he won’t care as much about how you’re getting along. He has the security of the marriage and nothing to lose but an exciting good time.

6. There’s a white line on the fourth finger of his left hand, a tan-line from where his wedding ring usually is, and is not when he’s with you. Or there’s the outline of a ring in his shirt pocket.

7. He isn’t fully disclosing when it would seem appropriate

He alludes to “things he’ll tell you about later.”

8. He has odd reasons for not wanting to go to certain places (like your favorite restaurant).

You first met at a dance hall (where he’s known and someone might tell his wife) and after that every place he takes you to is in another county. (There's a part of town he definitely avoids. Guess why?)

9. He pays for restaurants, motels, resorts, and airplane tickets in cash rather than by credit card.

10. He is never available on Sundays

In some cultures, and with many men, Saturday night may be Boys Night Out, but Sunday is strictly “family time.” Ditto for holidays. This is part of that peculiar male honor code: OK to cheat. But not on July 4th. That's family time.

Susan Dunn

Susan Dunn, MA, Relationship & EQ Coach, susandunn Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development Susan is the author of "Midlife Dating Survival Manual" for women. Mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information and free ezine.

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